How to Make a Real Zombie

Right about now, you're saying something along the lines of, "Yeah, right!" or "No way!". Yes way, I am going to tell you how to make a real zombie. I was going to say real live zombie but of course, that's silly. Zombies are only partially alive, that's why they're called the living dead or the undead.

Now, please rest assured that I am not writing this hub from personal experience. I have never personally or indirectly in any way resurrected the seemingly dead and turned them into my zombie slave. I mean sure, it sounds cool but I think they would smell bad. Very bad.

The information that I found for this hub came from places like ABC Science, Zombie Hub and a BBC Documentary. I'll link to the sites somewhere here so that you can check them out yourself.

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I can't believe I'm saying this but I've watched an episode or two of Criminal Minds and Cold Case Files, so I know there are some sickos out there.

Do not - I repeat - do not try any of the information in this hub! That's all we need! One of you tries it, then somebody else and before you know it, it's Invasion of the zombies. I don't want to be responsible.

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If you've ever seen a horror movie involving zombies, you are probably already aware of what they are - neither alive or dead but can function on a basic level and are typically someone's evildoing slave.

Zombies can eat, hear, speak and move around, although they tend to be very slow moving. The zombie victim has no memories as they are erased at the time of their 'turning' and are also unaware of what or who they are. Sort of like a frat initiation hangover but with longer side effects.

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Okay, now comes the serious stuff.

Zombies do exist (see proof). They come from the island of Haiti and are the result of a potent Voodoo spell, along with some daring. Where there is serious intent for turning someone into a zombie, the participation of a Voodoo priest and witch doctor are required to perform the spell correctly and safely.

The practise of using Voodoo is an old one and still practised openly in certain parts of the world.

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I was only able to find one documented case of a real zombie. Guess one is enough.

The Case of Clairvius Narcisse

Poor Clairvius Narcisse was an enslaved zombie from May 2, 1962 until the death of his owner in 1964. It was speculated that Clairvius became a zombie at the hands of his brothers, who were ticked that Clairvius would not sell his portion of their estate. So, they sold him to a zombie master, instead.

After the death of his master (known as a bokor), Clairvius was still locked in his zombie psychotic state and roamed Haiti for the following 16 years, until he happened to bump into his sister in the marketplace one day. Over the years, the drugs that Clairvius had been given dissipated from his system, allowing his human tendencies to start re-emerging. His short term memory had been erased but he was able to convince the girl of his identity, thanks to his early recollections of their childhood.

When this story broke in 1980, it intrigued Dr. Wade Davis, an ethnobiologist from Harvard. He made the trek to Haiti to research this story and investigate its validity. It is thanks to Dr. Wade that I am able to share with you this hub on how to make a real zombie. He discovered the steps, ingredients and people required for proper zombie making.

There are a couple of sites online that discuss this case as fact. However, according to Wikipedia, there is a cloud of doubt. But then, Wikipedia also makes a note that their entry may not be accurate, so I'll let you decide for yourself.

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• Step #1 - Make your victim 'dead'

• Step #2 - Dig your victim up

• Step #3 - Make your victim mad

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I'll explain the steps in some detail but first, let's make sure you have all the ingredients on hand to whip up a real zombie.

Ingredients

• one victim (you can try multiples after you get good at it)
• a Voodoo priest and/or witch doctor
• toad skin
• powdered puffer fish
• datura, a.k.a. Jimsons Weed, Angel's Trumpet, Brugmanisa candida

Once you have everything at the ready, proceed to the instructions below.

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Step#1 - Make your victim 'dead'

Naturally, you can't make them really dead or this recipe will not work. *The Voodoo priest and witch doctor are interchangeable, use whichever you have on hand or have a preference for.

While now it is witch doctors who are most involved in the real zombie making process, it used to be that a Voodoo priest was the one who specially mixed the powdered toad skin and puffer fish. The priest was knowledgeable in the necessary ritual and in how much of the drug had to be used to do the trick without causing total death. He would then administer the drug to victims by either sneaking it into their food or rubbing it onto a soft, undamaged patch of skin, such as near the inside of an elbow or knee.

This concoction is very potent stuff. The toad skin alone is more powerful than cocaine. It is loaded with toxins and biogenic amines and could be a great pain killer if it didn't 'kill' you, first. This is the ingredient that drastically slows down breath and heartbeat until they are pretty much indiscernible.

Puffer fish are dangerous, as well. They are 160,000 times more potent than cocaine and contain a deadly neurotoxin. You don't want to play around with ingesting puffer fish, as it decreases body temperature and your blood pressure will plummet.

With these two ingredients administered, the zombie victim will slip into a type of coma or catatonia that makes them appear dead. Now, bury.

Luckily for bokors (zombie masters), bodies are buried as fast as possible in Haiti because of heat-induced quick decaying of flesh. This is excellent news if you are planning on making a real zombie because for this next part, time is of the essence!

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Step #2 - Dig your victim up

You need to get your real zombie-in-the-making out of the ground a.s.a.p. Zombies must be dug up within 8 hours in order to avoid asphyxiation. I can't stress how important this step is for producing a zombie you can be proud of.

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Step #3 - Make your victim mad - grrrr

Why it's necessary to make them mad, I don't know but it is. The way to do this is to force feed them a yummy datura paste, which will erase recent memories and separate the zombie's mind from reality. Your new, real zombie is now in a semi-permanent state of psychosis. If you notice it ever wearing off, just give another feeding and you'll be good to go again.

You can do it! (But please don't)

The first time you attempt this, it may seem a bit challenging but don't give up! Practice makes perfect and given enough time, it'll become old hat, easy peasy.

Enjoy and have fun making your very own real zombie!

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