How to Protect Your Family From Alien Abductions
84Have You Seen This Guy?
NASA's Proof of UFO's
Why You Need Protection
According to various sites on the internet, the number of alien abductions has risen considerably in recent times. There are various theories as to the reason why.
- Other lifeforms are stepping up their quest for a new planet due to their need to relocate in order to survive
- They are colonizing and breeding with us to produce a hybrid race
- They are evil, nasty beings
- They are benevolent, spiritual beings doing these things for our own good
These are the short answers, obviously. I don't see any need to delve into each one, because neither the theory or reason matter. What's important is that you are able to protect yourself and your family in the event of an abduction attempt, or even more importantly - an anal probe.
Alien Abduction Poll
Have You Ever Been Abducted By Aliens?
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How to Know if You've Already Been Abducted
In case you're unaware, there is a list of telltale signs that you may have already been abducted. There are at least 58 different symptoms. I have read through the list, and frankly, I'm worried. I have several of the symptoms associated with abduction, many of them most noteable after a night of drinking.
Do any of the following describe you?
- You have periods of time when you cannot remember where you were or what you did
- You have marks or scars that you aren't able to explain
- You wake up in a different place from where you fell asleep, and you don't know how you got there
- Your physician or you find a small, strange object inside your body that can't be explained
- You believe that you had sexual intercourse during the night or had semen extracted from you
- You have had strange occurrences in your life that you don't understand and can't explain
- You feel 'special' or 'chosen'
- You have very low self esteem
- You are paralyzed in bed with a being in your room
- You were pregnant, now you're not - but you did not give birth
This is only a partial list. If you'd like to read further, check out one of the online symptom references. It gives a pretty thorough rundown of things to watch for. Don't forget to keep the kids in mind while you're assessing whether or not aliens have invaded the personal space of your family. Nothing is sacred to these aliens, and they don't mind abducting little, cute children. If you don't believe me, watch Jessie's video.
Are aliens landing in your town?
Alien Abduction Insurance
We've talked about why you need protection and how to tell if you've already experienced an alien abduction. The whole purpose for this hub though, is supposed to be providing a resource that lets you know how to better protect you and your loved ones, so let's get to it.
Believe it or not, it is now possible to purchase Alien Abduction Insurance. It's true, honest! Here, you can read about it on Wikipedia.
Buying insurance is probably a good idea. You can even get it for alien impregnation, medical exams and death. The downside is burden of proof. How the heck can you prove that it was an alien that gave you that anal probe?
My son is also my insurance agent. I called to ask him about alien insurance, but he doesn't sell it and doesn't know of any companies in Canada that do. Guess that means that we Canucks have to buy stateside or in the U.K. Be that as it may, the inconvenience might well be worth it. The Heaven's Gate folks purchased Alien Abduction Insurance. Although it didn't protect them from mass suicide, they left something behind for their loved ones....assuming any insurance company would pay out.
Home Remedies for Alien Abduction
Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands - Be Proactive!
It's reasonable to assume that many folks either can't afford extra insurance in this day and age, or are reluctant to purchase it out of fear of being ridiculed. Often, there is shame and secrecy after a person has toured the mother ship. So, what is a person and their family to do?
Well, there are a number of things for you to try. Some methods involve a little time and money investment, others do not. The following suggestions are just some that I found while researching online. If you know of some jim-dandy ideas that aren't mentioned here, please share.
Action Steps When Being Abducted
- Anger, rage and physical assault. If you do find yourself in the grasp or presence of aliens, it is recommended that you exhibit indignant outrage and demand (loudly) that they leave you alone. They feed on fear, see. Some people have physically attacked aliens, which seemed to work very well at getting them to leave for good.
- Mental struggle. If you find yourself paralyzed, use all of your mental might to break the paralysis. You need only will yourself to move your baby finger the tiniest bit for it to work. Your capturors will vanish!
- Relax. Some people have had luck with this one. Apparently, you're no fun at all to examine if you're not quaking with fear. You'll just get sent back home.
An Ounce of Prevention
- Move to France. One website that I came across made this suggestion. Someone on the site's research team couldn't find any record of alien abductions in France, so it seems like a safe bet.
- Pretend to be a tourist. From the same site as the one that suggests moving to France. They say that you should always carry a camera. Everyone knows that aliens hate having their picture taken. As I have no experience in any of this, I can't say whether or not it's the equivalent of poking them with a stick. This site also recommends waving a frozen chicken over your head.
Fashion Wear
Come on folks, just because you're fighting off alien abductions, it doesn't mean that you can't look your best. There are fashionable ways to protect yourself, so no excuses!
If you like to keep things natural, you may want to use a Native American method of warding off beings from another planet. Dress in deerskin, feathers, anything that makes you resemble an animal. The idea is that aliens will bypass you in their search for humans. The kids will love playing dressup, and you'll all be protected. It's fun for the whole family!
You say your situation is a little more dire than that? The aliens are talking to you and trying to take control of your mind? No worries! A seriously brilliant man by the name of Michael Menkin has developed the Thought Screen Helmet. It's a DIY project that involves about 4 hours of work, and a bit of money. The whole thing costs around $35 U.S.D. if you buy Velostat by the yard. Velostat, by the way, is purchased from Canada. Yeah, that's right, we know a good investment when we see one. If you'd like to see how stylin' this hat is, and get step-by-step instructions, visit the Stop Alien Abductions website.
Finally.....The Anal Probe
I can hear all the men out there saying, "Yeah, yeah, all this is fine, but how 'bout that anal probe protection you promised in the title?"
There were rumblings of an anal probe cork, but it didn't fly. Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any mass marketed products for protection from the anal probe. If any of you guys out there have discovered a sure-fire DIY suggestion, then please have the decency to share it with your fellow man. (After reading Constant Walker's last hub, I wouldn't be surprised if he has the answer.)
Anybody tried duct tape?
Final Notes & Recommended Reading
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A big thanks to ProCW for requesting this hub!
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Some more sites that offer more information on how to resist and/or stop alien abduction:
Although I didn't touch on the Men in Black, it makes an interesting read so I've included a couple of extra links.
Remember folks, as Mulder used to say, They're Out There . Stay safe, and keep your feet on planet earth.
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They're Out There
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CommentsLoading...
Ummmmmm ok ......
Interesting to say the least .....
How do WE know you're not one, and out on a recruitment drive :))))))))))))
Hi Susan....had to chuckle at your remark about Stephen Harper - good one!!! It would explain a lot. I hate to break it to you, but the tin foil hats don't work, sorry. You need a Thought Screen Helmet. The people at work will be jealous of you! :)
Jim Hickey - lol, I was duty-bound to write this hub as it was officially requested of me. I can see you scratching your head.
Jim1307 - You don't!!!!!! :) :) :)
I'm not worried about being abducted by aliens... And I wear the tinfoil hat because I think it's fashionable.
RE: Anal probe protection. I dare not touch that with a ten foot probe, I mean pole!
You're right, the tinfoil bonnet is stunning!
I think it's probably best to steer clear of the probe issue....apparently, Google has - no ads.
An anal probe protection product would sell big!
I agree! People are making money on this stuff, it was a topic on the Warrior Forum - it's an untapped niche. Oops, now the secret's out. Shadesbreath should get his affiliates on this, pronto!
Um, do you have any secret blueprints of such a gadget?
Nothing I'm willing to talk about... I mean no!
where can I buy that insurance? You just never know who might come by and abduct me in the night, better safe than sorry.
Constant Walker, you're wise to keep your plans close to the vest...there are spies everywhere. You may want to line your hat with Velostat though, so the aliens won't read your thoughts and interfere with you freeing mankind from the discomfort of anal probes! We sell it here, let me know if you need me to send you some.
Gwendymom - I think you can probably talk just about any insurance agent into writing up that policy for you. Don't be surprised if they speak slowly in a calming manner while discussing who you should make the cheque out to.
Smart take on the topic! Shirley, I knew that requesting this from you would be a treat! :)
(Shirley don't read this part...) Hey, gwendymom (and everyone else!) ... I bet Shirley is the real alien here... and she's luring us into her abduct-a-hubber-today trap! We'd all best watch out for her! :)
Thumbs up Shirley!!!
(I figure that I'd better give her that - I don't wanna be abducted - and I recommend the same for everyone else!)(Shirley, don't read that part either...) :)
ProCW,
El Presidente de la Shirley Anderson club de fans.
Le Président de la Shirley Anderson fan-club.
Oui, ProCW, I may just be le alien. You don't have your Think Screen Helmet on, do you? Did you feel compelled to come to this hub, maybe like somebody was telling you to?
Don't worry, I covered my eyes at the parts you said I shouldn't read. :)
Merci and gracias, Monsieur President!
I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I did have it on!!!! You've found a way around it, haven't you!?!?!?!??!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While I'm here, please answer these questions for us, Mizz Shirley Anderson - if that's your real name... :)
1. On exactly what date does your leader plan for the takeover? (Or are you the leader?) :)
2. Do you plan on writing a series of Alien Movies? :) :)
3. What are your thoughts on Alien vs Predator and is your race of alien filled with alien predator thoughts? Hmm... Got me thinkin'!!!!!!! :) :) :)
4. If someone wanted to get a good alien to human costume, where would be the best place? :) :) :)
ProCW
PS. Answer these questions honestly - we hubbers have our eyes on you! :)
ProCW, I shall endeavour to answer your questions as candidly as possible.
1. In the interests of intergalactical security, that information is on a need to know basis.
2. No. I do not write movie scripts, I hand those over to a professional in South Carolina.
3. That is 2 questions.
4. Ebay.
ProCW....do you ever feel that you only have control of half your brain? Like maybe, somebody else is using the other half? Might wanna check that your Velostat goes all the way around the inside of your helmet. :)
Nanoo-nanoo.
Shirley,
Duct tape?! In that area ?! :O
I'd better let them, you know, especially with enough tequilla :D
LOL, yeah it might be the lesser of 2 evils, Misha. :)
I was afraid to click a link to read this hub. Now I wish I hadn't. Great job of writing. I'll have nightmares for weeks over this one.
Greetings from Earth! :)
1. I need to know. We need to know. Share your vast knowledge. Oh and did you fly in on a UFO? Was it near Roswell? or Toronto? :)
2. Hmmm... Don't know who that could be... :) I'm in South Carolina, do I know him/her? :)
3. What's your point alien? You're on hub-trial! :) (Unofficial of course!)
4. I've always suspected Ebay of being extraterrestrial... Thanks for the confirmation! :)
There are days that come about when I only have partial control of the brain... I thought that I was just lending the other half to you in good faith!! You've been doing research on it haven't you? Apparently you've found a way around the Velostat helmet thingamabob. It was wrapped firmly!!! :)
:) Hey, it'd be fun if you'd let me take a ride with you in your flying saucer some time! :)
ProCW,
Still your fan club's President! :)
(I hold no true prejudices - be you alien or not!)
Sorry, SirDent. Don't worry, just make sure that you have your Think Screen Helmet, and a can of Whoop Ass, and you'll be fine.
I have a body guard around here somewhere. I hired him for a purpose here at HubPages, but it seems all he does it eat butter tarts.
LOL, some body guard! I think the mighty hunter might be a bigger help to you. :)
I wonder - could SirDent's body guard take on an alien with full abduction intent? Hmmm...
Greetings Earthling Known as ProCW
1. Definitely a UFO, but I was told at the time that it was a Boeing 747 (first class, of course) - Toronto.
2. Yes, you know him. That's all I'm allowed to say - classified information.
3. No point, only diversion.
4. Maybe I was telling you the truth.....and maybe I wasn't!
Re the brain, hehe, don't worry, it's perfectly safe. In fact, (according to the splicing experiments using tissue from the left side, anyway) the injections will only make it stronger. That's a good thing, right?
Sure, you can go for a ride in my flying saucer! We love guests, take them aboard all the time. You'll love it. You can even lay down when you get tired and our accommodating crew will tend your every need. We even have a doctor who'll check you over and make sure that you're in tip-top health! I can be there in about 6 seconds to pick you up.
Oh, by the way, if you start clucking like a chicken, be sure to let me know.
Thx, devoted fanclub president!
Oh no, ProCW. B.T. is tough, no question about that, evil too, but I think that unless he has a specially built think screen helmet with ears, he'll be no match for a predatory alien on the hunt, I'm sorry to say. Okay, maybe not that sorry.
Shirley Im a ufoligist and I seen and spoken to real abductees about this so thanks for the heads up LOL . great job on writting this hub to .
Yikes! My cover is blown, Mulder! Hey, Mulder like on X-Files....coincidence?
Thx, Mulder.
1. cool!
2. gonna keep me wondering... hmm...
3. you can divert for only so long... :)
4. i bet our area 51 people know the truth! :)
-- as long as it is safe, then you'll have no problems with me! i'm sure it'd love to be stronger! but -- you still have that half, so i don't know for sure... -- maybe you should give it back sometime for me to check... :)
-- yay!!!!!!! i'd love to go for a ride with ya! come to think of it... i do need a nap... i'm ready! come and get me! :)
i'll let you know if anything goes wrong!
No problem devoted person/alien to which the fan club is dedicated.
ProCW
PS. 6 seconds? I bet you could make it in 3.5! :)
Shirley! Now I know where you were the past couple of weeks... You let the cat out of the bag ... One question needs to be answered though... Why would aliens come for a visit and then do anal probes? What possible good could they find in the depths of... no let's not go there
Fun hub regards Zsuzsy
Shirley Anderson says:21 minutes ago
LOL, some body guard! I think the mighty hunter might be a bigger help to you. :)
SirDent: Who do you think my bodyguard is? I think his gun isn't even really by the way.
ProCW, I'm sure 3.5 seconds, but I have to stop and gas up. Do you have any idea how much that costs?
Zsuzsy - I don't know why these guys think I'm an alien! I was trying to help. Re the probes, I really don't know (not my department, thankfully), but I suspect it's somebody's twisted sense of humour. They get bored just flying around all the time. Thx for coming by, Zsuzsy!
SirDent - Mighty Hunter eats butter tarts? That little gun isn't real??!?? :)
Excuse me Ms. Shirley.....Remember me?...Who you accused of kidnapping Dottie1. The truth is out! I recommend you start waving the frozen chicken over your head.
Did Misha just say he would be anal probed with enough tequila? I don't know that I would, but I guess that depends on the amount of tequila I had consumed, Nah, probably not.
I'm sure you could just beam the gas on board, Shirley -- do we have an honest alien here? :)
Oh Dottie, um, it wasn't me - honest! It was one of those bad aliens, I saw it happen....looked just like you, I swear! There was no one around who can back up my story, but you can trust me. Really. Re the frozen chicken, I'm sorry to say that if I ran around outside waving it over my head, the neighbours probably wouldn't think too much of it. They'd just shake their heads and say something like, "There she goes again". Thx for coming by. I'll keep my eyes peeled for that 'bad' alien.
Gwendymom, you read right. Misha's good to go with a little libation. Wait'll the guys down at the Alien Club hear about this!
ProCW - Oh yes, we are an honest lot. Funny, gas station owners never seem very happy to see us. I don't get it.
I had no idea I had been abducted so many times until I read your hub. So that's where all those lost memories went! And people tried to say it was my drinking. The nerve!
I have the solution for the anal probe protection. It is the same method they use in prison: You must wear a butt screen. Since an anal probe is much smaller in diameter than a .... another foriegn object, you must use a very fine mesh, steel-reinforced screen. The aliens will have never seen this before, and it will frighten them. Just thought I'd share. Thank you for bringing this important and life saving information to the forefront.
Christoph, I didn't recognize you. Something's different. Did you cut your hair?
Yeah, people always try to blame the lapses in memory or waking up in a strange place on the drinking. Don't let them make you think you're crazy.
Love your solution for probe protection! It's inexpensive and practical. Lotsa folks probably already have screening in their garages. Although I'm excited about the do-it-yourself aspect, I'm wondering about a couple of things:
1. How to secure it in place without securing it too much in place.
2. How to prevent some pretty nasty chaffing.
Hey, you're welcome! Vital information like this needs to be shared with all for the sake of the planet. And thank-you for providing this valuable piece of the puzzle.
Well Gwen, not exactly my point. If I have to choose between anal probe and putting duct tape on my hairy butt, I choose tequilla! :D
You would secure it in place with those small bungee cords. It would be tight, but could then be moved higher up on the back to permit exit or entrance from or to said area.
As for chafing, I admit I had not thought of that. I guess I'm back to my lab in the garage. I'm thinking maybe a natural cat-gut, like the strings of a tennis raquet. I'll perform a test on some neighborhood kids and get back to you. I'll have to figure out how to ATTRACT some aliens for the test though. Say, that's a good idea for a hub.
OK Shirley...I believe you....after all you did send a dozen very toned firefighters without shirts to rescue her. She will always be grateful to you for that!
*sips coffee and reads over the last comments about butt screens, anal probes and what Misha will or won't do for a bit of tequila...and wonders why she was ever concerned about the propriety of her IRC BDSM hub...*
:)
Personally, I don't think the mesh undies are going to cut it, Chris. Have you ever seen some of those aliens? They have appendages that look and act just like wire cutters. My solution would be to get there first...use their own tactics against them and just get one of those DIY home anal probe kits for yourself. This way...they see you've already been probed and sort of like tagged wildlife, you get released. You're in...you're out...problem solved.
Thx for the laugh, Misha! I'm still laughing. If word of this gets out into the alien community, you might be in trouble. I recommend you read Christoph's comment for directions on how to make a butt screen. Save yourself the agony of probe and duct tape, but you still get to drink the tequila.
Christoph, thanks for clarifying the securing issue. Please keep us apprised of latest developments and let us know how you make out with the testing. I'm sure that all the science magazines are going to want to publish your findings. Since your lab is in the garage, Popular Mechanics is probably going to want to get their hands on it, too. Oh, and let's not forget the prison mags. This is going to be big for your career!
I agree that writing a hub about how to attract aliens is an EXCELLENT idea. When are you planning on publishing it?
I always used to see weird light formations in the night sky in the shapes of a triangle for a few minutes, then all the lights would disappear and go way. We have seen weird light formations in the night sky for years in some isolated places. I could not explain these, and some how I do not think planes would be flying that way. Makes one wonder.
Thank-you, Dottie! I appreciate your vote of confidence!! It was my very great pleasure :) to send those firemen to rescue you!
Spryte......................................I have to wonder how you know the particulars about alien appendages. Hmmm. Wire cutters? Ouch! I have to say though, your solution sounds like a great one! It makes sense, according to the advice about carrying on in an enraged hissy fit to get them to leave you alone. I think you'll have to be lightning fast to pull it off. It'll kinda be like a Kung Fu fight, lots of flipping, running up walls and such, with each person trying to get at the other's hinney. It would probably only take one human to accomplish the task successfully to deter it from happening to anyone again. It'd just be too much trouble and too dangerous. So, the human race only needs one self-sacrificing person to go in and take one for the team. Any volunteers??
SweetiePie - cool! Have you ever been able to take any pictures of the lights?
Great Hub, enjoyed it. Yes the TRUTH IS OUT THERE, soon an undercover investigative journalist will reveal all. "A very sinister plot that can affect us all".
Thx, Rodney. Re the journalistic report, there's a sinister plot? :) How fun!
Hi Shirley,
As I was going through USA Emigration on entry to begin a vacation in Orlando this summer, an emigartion officier was explaining some jargon to my kids and referred to me as an Alien.....well needless to say my 8 year old cracked up saying he had an alien for a dad.
See, we're everywhere,
Alien Dad
By the way, Google doesn't want to put ads on here, but this hub is number one under a 'protect family from alien abductions' search.
Alien Dad, that's funny! And all the more reason that people should wear their helmets! No one will ever know when you aliens are around. :)
Thx for taking the time to share. Hope you enjoyed Orlando.
Alien abductions are not a joke. I've had horrible hemmorhoid issues since my last abduction and frankly, I don't think it's anything to laugh at. I tried your "yelling loudly" technique and I frightened my bulbous-headed captor into retracting his rectal probiscus too quickly. The damage is both itchy and inflamed and has nothing to do with that weekend I spent at Christop Reilly's during Tequilla Fest.
Stop this mockery, it's wrong!
I took pictures, but they were just dots on the film :(. Still believe these were not regular planes.
Shirley,
Really enjoyed Orlando...the rides were out of this world...excuse the pun. However nothing compares to navigating through the milky way on my way home!!
Regards,
Alien Dad.
You guys are too much! Really enjoyed this hub!
I agree with you NJMom funny great hub good to read with coffee some gumption for the day Sherylc
There is a ton of literature out there on alien abductions. some quite serious and some downright laughable. But where is smoke there is fire. Hmm wonder about that itching Shades. BTW BT does not need a foil hat, his antlers form a kind faraday cage around his head. Besides how do you find the spot for that probe behind the tail and all that fur?
Great fun hub. Google does not think so though, I guess.
any suggestions?
I have spoken with the aliens that I keep in my bunker. They have no interest in our digestive processes, whatsoever. They have been monitoring our news broadcasts, and made the assumption that the cavity in question, is where our brain is housed.
@ Shades, I'm looking at your avatar, and wondering where the hell they stuck the probe. You seem to be lacking in some areas of your anatomy.
@ Shirley, when the aliens crashed in my yard, I struck first. They each received a special probe, in the form of my aluminum baseball bat. Very effective.
Wow, you have really put a lot of work into this hub Shirley!!
I have had lots of pains in my tummy lately and i have an appointment at hospital where i have been told i will be analy probed!: I'm not looking forward to this at all!! Now im thinking they mut be alians pretendin to be doctors!! Just as well im equipped with this alian info!;)
And i wonder what aliens have against the French! lol...
DIY anal probe kits, roflmao. Spryte, where do you come up with this stuff?
Misha, I see your point.
I have never been abducted, but was followed once from Fostoria to Worthingon Ohio on Route 23/75 [about 2 hours] by a silent running ship with a large light shining on/beside my vehicle - actually the coworker riding with me from Detroit was being followed. She said they'd been in contact with her for over 35 years. That was longer than I was old and it was all pretty weird.
Great hub! The thing about the anal probes is, they're an acquired taste...so to speak. Oh sure, Shadesbreath is making lots of noise about how traumatic the anal probes are, but I know he hangs out in the back yard on cold nights just like the rest of us alien-groupies, pretending to take out the trash or whatever, hoping against hope for a quick beam up. That's how it starts you know... that's how they get you hooked on it...
Well, gotta go! I hear a whirring noise outside!
Wow! You folks were busy while I slept.
@Shades - that sounds REALLY uncomfortable. Perhaps a little salve? Oh and don't worry, I don't believe for one minute that one drunken blackout weekend at Christoph's is behind your unfortunate - um, er, um - accident. Yes, let's call it that. By the way.....you're supposed to scream at them BEFORE insertion.
@SweetiePie - that would still be pretty cool to see! Can you post the pics?
@Within, a.k.a. Alien Dad - very punny! A comedic alien, love it.
@NJMom - thank-you, glad you enjoyed it!
@Sheryl - thank-you, too! Come on by, anytime.
@Sixtyorso - nope, not feeling the Google love here. I shoulda left 'anal probe' off the title and link, but it was late and I was giddy. Oh well, you only live once....on this planet, anyway. You know, you are a very wise and observant fellow. You always seem to be able to spot those details that the rest of us missed. Re B.T.'s probe insertion....actually, I do have suggestions, but think it safer not to say. :) Thx for sharing your keen insight with us. I had wondered about the whole bunny ear thing with B.T. Oh, and you're right. Some of the sites are gravely serious, while others are obviously meant to be comedy. I actually was trying to walk a fine line...poking fun at it without upsetting anybody too much. Not sure it makes good copy doing that though.
@B.T. - you have pet aliens? What do you feed them? How often do you have to clean their cages? Do they like to watch E.T.? Re them thinking that our brains are located in our derrieres, that is actually the case in some people. I've know some of those. I too am wondering where Shades' anal probe made entry. Thx for the tip about the aluminum baseball bat! Love that bit, using handy household objects to protect yourself. Thanks for dropping by, B.T.!!
@Mr. Furry Pants - don't trust them! At least not if they have huge eyes and have to stand on a stool to reach the table they have you on. Be sure to wear your thought screen helmet for protection. Might wanna read some of Christoph's comments, or Spryte's and B.T.'s before going to your appointment, just so you know what to do, if you find yourself in a compromising position. I don't know what they have against the French. Maybe they can't speak the language, or don't like wine, or something.
@Gwendymom - Spryte seems to have a natural talent for such things.
@Patty - that sounds scarey! Don't stop there.....WHAT HAPPENED??
@Pam - thx. I'm worried about you! Oh well, enjoy I guess. Is Misha in the backyard with Shades? Are the three of you passing around a bottle of tequila?
Shirley I think you made good copy and did manage to walk that fine line very well indeed.
Thanks, Sixty! I appreciate you saying so, it's a relief to hear it.
Thank you Shirley for all your advice on how to avoid alien anal probes as it has been a concern of mine for many years. I mean, who knows when it might happen? It could be at any moment. I imagine the alien craft are circling the earth even now looking for spare anus's to probe and I am always on the look out. Your hub has given new food for thought.
Glad to help, C.J. There are a few comments above that have some excellent suggestions in them, too.
Thx for commenting. Stay safe, walk fast.
"...the alien craft are circling the earth even now looking for spare anus's to probe..."
Phew! I guess I can relax now...I only have the one.
Good thinking, Spryte! No spares = no probes!
Hilarious, I have now decided to sleep with a cheese grater over my anal area, just let the little suckers try and get past that without severe personal damage !!!!
Oh Misty, that sounds soooo comfortable! Christoph is working on something to guard against chaffing, you may want to take advantage of what he comes up with.
Meantime, I think you'll be safe....it'll be the aliens that have the problem.
Thx, Misty!
Hello Shirley just dropped in and thought I would write something hilariously funny about anal probes, but quite honestly I can't get past the image of Misty sleeping with a cheese grater, especially if her husband decides to get up to some hanky panky.
Fair dinkum it would make your eyes water!
Misty that cheese grater could do irreparable damage to you marraige! You may need one of those signs above your bed " Husbands beware anal probe protector in use may do some damage to marital relations if not handled corectly by responsible non-aliens!"
I won't let my Husband anywhere near that particular orifice anyway guys, the last time he tried I was still using the egg slicer for protection. He didn't make that mistake again I can tell you :)
I set myself up one night as alien bait. I drove a pickup to an isolated spot like where they like to hang out. Full moon. Crickets. The whole bit. I opened a case of budweiser, and I waited. Maybe I'm strange but I don't think the anal probes would be a patch on a colonoscopy, Oh yeah BTW that reminds me,, BRB. OK back to finish the comment. The long and short of it was I didn't even see a saucer, let alone strange little guys coming out to paralyze me. NOTHING. Would you please provide me with a list of specific places I can go to get abducted. I WANT to be abducted. Wouldn't that story make a great hub?
@Agvulpes - Fair dinkum? Fair dinkum?? I've never heard that one before. Considering the subject matter though, it seems very apropo.
Thx for teaching me a new phrase!
@Sixty - Misty'll need a neon sign in case the lights are out. Downside is that the aliens would be able to read it, too. That would take all the fun out of hearing them howl.
@Misty - Yeow!! An egg slicer? And there's still need for kitchen utensils in the boudoir?
@Hot Dorkage - Somebody else was talking about that, too. Somebody's gotta write it! Since you're the curious one, maybe you? Double dog dare ya!
A potential problem though....if you crack the code and get abducted, how are you going to post the resulting hub?
Thx for commenting, everyone.
Shirley, Fair dinkum means the same as ridgy didge.
I thought everyone would have known that!
Not worried by the aliens, half an hour with me and they will be begging to drop me off back home just to stop me talking :)
OHHHHHH!!! Ridgy didge. Of course, why didn't you say so?
WHAT??? Speak English, man!
Tell ya what, you teach me Aussi-speak and I'll teach you Canadian.
Hey Misty, whatever works. That sounds a lot less chafing and painful than the whole dairy dicing equipment route.
Ok Shirley, first thing is most Ozzies don't speak English or Aussi-speak we call our language Strine! We also tend to use a lot of rhyming slang. As an example what do you think you would get if you asked for a "dogs eye and dead horse"?
Hmmm...not sure, but doesn't everything somehow relate back to beer with you guys anyway...?
:)
Hi spryte didn't see you peeking out there howyadoin?
No not exactly beer but getting warm! P|)
You do know I have an Aussie slang book at my disposal don't you? I'm just too lazy to get up and get it.
You wouldn't want me to make it easy for you now would you?
Hows your splinter?
Damn thing is still in there and I think it's planning on hanging around for a while.
Misty and kitchen utensils in the boudior. now there's an idea for a hub!
@Hot Dorkage. Would it not be easier to find a hubber near you who could abduct you. Most of us here are aliens too I mean look at BT, Spryte, Shades, Christoph (the urban cowboy alien or briefly baby alien!) then there was 3rdalien, I could go on.
Good topic.
Some very interesting points there, although you are right, I think I may be getting abducted at least once a weekend, usually I begin in a bar...then bang, I wake up and I don't know how I got there
Won't run ads on this Hub?
As usual, it seems the folks at Google know far more than they are letting on.
Wow, you guys were (once again) busy while I was gone. I have to go get a beer before I start answering all the comments.
@Ag - Compu-Smart tried to teach me Cockney slang...it didn't work, either. What the heck is a dog's eye and dead horse?? Sounds gross.
@Spryte - you have a splinter? Did you get it while being abducted?
@Sixty - If you think Google disapproves of this hub, I hate to think what opinion they would have of one that involves Misty and kitchen utensils. I'd read it though, out of sheer curiousity. Brilliant advice for Hot Dorkage - she needs to be proactive and take responsibility for her own abduction!
@Mytube - Thanks!
@Which4u - You've noticed it, too? Aliens seem to hang out in bars a lot. Hey, maybe Hot Dorkage should start going to clubs!
@Lorboy - Sadly, no ads. Next time, I'll take more care in choosing a title. I don't think they like the words, Anal Probe. Maybe they're aliens.
Thx, everybody! :)
I've never been abducted but I believe UFOs exist-especially after watching Larry King and hearing what the astronauts and pilots have to say. For some reason, I don't feel we have anything to fear-maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I sense.
Writer Rider, I didn't see that program, but if it was Larry King, I'm sure it was probably very good, as well as informative.
I don't personally feel in any threatened by them at all, but many people do. All but one link that I put in this hub are serious sites.
Thx for reading and commenting!
Shirley - Thank you for asking about my splinter. I'm not sure how I got it...but it's metallic and in my foot and it won't come out. You don't think it's some sort of tracking device do you? I hadn't really thought of that...
Well, Spryte, I don't want to alarm you, but it's a very real possibility. Have you noticed any large spaceships in your rearview mirror, or hovering outside your house? You being followed by short men with big eyes? I mean, when you're not drinking schnapps.
Perhaps you got it while touring around inside the mother ship.
Did he ask about you splinter or your sphincter? I'm confused!
Hmmm...
The cats HAVE been acting rather odd lately.
Oh. I don't drink schnapps anymore. My husband is shorter than I am and it would be too risky.
I would hope I would remember a discussion about sphincters. But I don't...
Alien subjects seem to be creeping into hubpages all of a sudden. Hope it's not a preminatory phenomena. Bit concerned about death by alien though. Imagine being found dead with a cheese grater strapped to your behind. I'd be trying to jump back into my body for fear of afterlife embarrassment.
I am off to the cafe at the end of the universe again. I'll just hang out with aliens and try and find out what their posterior (um I mean ulterior or is that derierre) motive is. Sphincter, splinter oh dear I think you guys are staying up way too late and are turning into a splinter group!
I off through my wormhole now!
Sixty, I'll be there in time for the long, dark tea time of the soul. Save me a seat!
Frankly, I wouldn't mind meeting these purported aliens. I've read that some look like us but handsomer. Shoot I'd like to meet a man who looks like a firefighter with the brains of an astraunaut. Oh, and heart of gold to.
It's okay, Christof...easy enough to confuse the two - they're practically the same thing, aren't they?
Nice Spryte, you're probably saving your hubby from a beating by staying away from the Schnapps. Didn't you say that you beat up short men under the Schnappy influence?
Jewels, that's EXACTLY what I would do! I'd die of embarrassment if my friends and family knew I'd died with a cheese grater tied to my hiney. I wonder...would the other afterlifers mock me?
Great idea, Sixty! Do a little undercover detective work and expose their evil plan. Don't forget to come back and let us know what it is. By the way, didn't know they had a cafe. What does alien coffee taste like?
B.T. would you please bring me back a large with milk? Thx-a-lot!
Ohhhhh, really Writer Rider? Handsomer? AND brains? AND heart? Wow, are you sure that's not an alien myth perpetrated by insecure alien guys who have trouble picking up women in bars?
Thx all for stopping in!
It was a joke, no offense to any of the guys here.
It's okay, Writer Rider, no one would be offended! We know it's a joke.
It interest me a lot of this issues. I'm really amused everytime I hear stories about alien abductions since I was still a kid. There's been lots of case but the evidence is not confirmed. Great topic by the way. Thumbs up! :)
Coffee in the cafe (at the end etc) is outstanding. The intergalactic brew is true! BT your seat is, as always, is reserved - No strings attached. BTW the aliens are confused they want to know why Mexicans are also aliens. They say they conquistadored them centuries ago and elmininated all signs of their origin. Mayan nasal impalnts excepted of course! This is not a pyramid scheme!
Hi Beth. Yes, some of the stories sound funny. Guess there won't be proof until one is caught alive or something. Even then, I don't think the government would let anybody know. Thx so much for the thumbs up!
Sixty, I'm glad to hear that the coffee is so good in the cafe. I hope B.T. remembers to bring me back the take-out cup I asked him for.
Re the Mexicans and Mayans....well, I can't respond to that. I don't have any contacts in the alien nation, but as you seem to perhaps you could find out what's up with the whole anal probe thing. Why not ear and throat swabs or something instead? Is it their race's sick and twisted way of dealing with boredom on a Saturday night, or is there some real scientific data being sought. Or do they have Hitler complexes and do it for the sheer enjoyment of inflicting terror and torture in order to encourage the writing of hubs that Google refuses to put ads on? Enquiring minds want to know.
I got your take-out, Shirley. But I'm afraid I spilled it all over myself, going through the wormhole. I went ahead and scraped it back into the cup, though. No extra charge for the fur!
Aw gee Mum you went to a hole lot of trouble to get me take that test, I told you I was OK.
Hi Shirely I wrote my own "anal probe" story, in case you want to read it:
Shirley,
interesting hub. Anal probes are OK though, compared with the things some of my fellow surgeons to for a living.
Um...thx, B.T., I think. Normally, I tell them to hold the fur when I order coffee, but hey, you went to all that trouble to get it for me so I'm sure I'll enjoy it. Sorry your fur got messed up.
Ag - Very appropriate link, thx. :) Perhaps that's all the aliens are really doing - offering free colonoscopies.
CJ - I read and commented. I love horror stuff and really enjoyed your hub. As I mentioned in the comment that I left, it makes the aliens' anal probe look pretty mild. Vlad was a really people person, wasn't he?
Benson, I read your hub on colonoscopies that Agvulpes linked to above, very good information. You're right about anal probes not being as bad as some things....CJ's hub about Vlad the Impaler makes that pretty clear! Don't go to any dinner parties that Vlad invites you to!
Shirley I went to this scary place today. They sat me down in a big green chair.
Then this huge light came on and blinded me! This voice kept asking me questions but with my mouth forced open how could I protest. I'm sure something was put into one of my teeth cos now it hurts like hell!
Next thing I know I was home. I'd lost about 3 hours. My bum wasn't sore though, it was my mouth do you think the aliens might be changing their tactics?
Oh Ag, that's too bad, I really feel for ya. Do you think they got the ends confused? Sixty seems to be the only one here who has a pulse on what the space guys are doing, perhaps he knows if they're changing tactics. Could be that they found out about the public warning issued with this hub and are getting even more diabolical. I suppose this alien was impersonating your dentist - how dasdardly!
Aliens do not do anal probes. Aliens take sperm from men and eggs from women and fuse them with their own genes and create a transgenic race. Their human transgenic creatures are now integrating into our society. They are even driving cars on the highways! The aliens have fantastic and nightmarish mental and telepathic capabilities. The thought screen helmet can stop them from controlling and taking humans. I make a thought screen helmet and give it to abductees for free which has stopped aliens from taking humans. For instructions on making a helmet, see my site, stopabductions.com. For information and indirect evidence of alien abductions, see my other site, aliensandchildren.org. The only other site I recommend for information about alien abductions is Dave Jacob's site, ufoabduction.com.
I also recommend his book, The Threat.
For all of the people making comments on this site with no knowledge of the subject, books by Dave Jacobs and Budd Hopkins are the best. I recommend you start with one of their books before making any foolish comments.
Well....you've gone and done it now Michael Menkin. You have left me no choice but to report you to my leader.
Mr. Menkin, thank-you for coming by and also for the information for those who are interested in learning more, both about aliens and your Thought Screen Helmet. Your site was hyperlinked into the content of the hub when it was written, and there is a video of you, as well.
We like to poke fun at things sometimes. No offense was intended.
Well I'm sure gonna get me one of those helmets!
And I'm gonna wear it next week when I go and get that implant tuned up!
I don't want none of those little tadpoles being abducted now do I?
Then again I might be too late!
Have you noticed any aliens running around that look a lot like you, Ag? If so, I'd love to see a family photo.
Well I did see something the other day that looked a bit odd.
No hang on!!!!....... I remember now swmbo said it was a llama!
LOL....a llama that looks like you? That's something different that I probably shouldn't put in a public hub. Naughty boy.
Maybe you should get one of Christoph's dolls to break that habit.
Oh no I don't think I could ever go down that path.
:)
Real live human female flesh. For cuddling purposes of course. Can't beat it! :-[)
Careful, you're protesting too much.
Of course, just for cuddling....what else? I agree re real live human flesh (I prefer male, myself).
From our conversations I would not have thought otherwise!
Using inspiration from this hub, perhaps Ag could do another of his '10 best' music hubs. You know the kind of thing 'Life on Mars', 'Fly me to the Moon' and so on. That would be fair dinkum!
sounds like a good idea
I really enjoyed reading this hub, and I feel much safer now with this knowledge! Just watching Men in Black while I type this, and it's not seeming so much like fiction any more... No mention of anal probes yet though.
Amanda, I think that's an excellent idea. Thx for suggesting it....and Rudra for seconding the motion.
You're on, Ag.
Moon Daisy, what a coincidence! Men in Black at the same time you're reading a hub about aliens. Mr. Menkin mentioned in his comment that aliens don't actually do anal probes, rather they're after sperm and eggs. So, you may not see any mention of the fabled anal probe. But if you do, you know what to do to protect yourself.
Thx all!
wow good hub.
Thx, Mytube!
What evil plan is this your hatching Shirley Anderson. I'll have to give it some serious consideration. The force generated from such a project might be a signal to the Mother Ship to send reinforcements?
Hehe....pretty evil, eh? I'll have to hone up on my methods, though - you weren't supposed to be able to tell that this was a mind control plot! Maybe your song hub will call the elders .... and maybe it won't. :) Try it and see. Dare ya!
We shall see! We shall see!
A diet of blue vein cheese, garlic, picked onions and baked beans is a tried and true preventative of anal probing (by aliens, or anyone else) taught to advanced CIA agents at Langley Field. Any venturer into that area was likely to get more than they bargained for. Admittedly, very few of these agents ever marry, but hey, you've got to make some sacrifices to keep the little alien buggers at bay!
TOF - Thanks for coming by and sharing that invaluable knowledge!! You may just have saved a lot of people....from aliens and romance.
Well, cancel the trips to France for safety....
Helene Guiliana was abducted by aliens in France on June 11, 1976 in the region of Valence, Drôme. She experienced a period of missing time which was later explored during hypnosis. A few years ago, when I spoke with Helene by telephone, she complained about the behavior of certain ufologists at the time.
http://www.ufodigest.com/news/0807/helene.html
::sigh:: Is there no end to the madness?
Geez, there's no safe place! Thx for letting us know, Sabreblade, at least now I don't have to learn Parisian French. And no, there is no end to it.
There is an end to it if we understand what is going on but the information that the governments have made public are at times undiscernable....like they're trying to cover up their own disclosure.
Oh, I think it's safe to say they cover anything like that up. Think Roswell.
Thx, Writer Rider.
Yeah, funny thing is the UFO hunters came out with a series which investigates Roswell. According to the UFO hunters not only did we discover aliens at Roswell, we discovered alien technology that we use today. An example of the so called techology that was borrowed from the aliens is the computer chip...I mean, if that's true it's so ironic that people are blogging or surfing the web all the while refusing to consider the possibility that aliens visit this planet. Of course, it would probably challenge peoples' concept of God but if God can create us, of course he can create an advanced civilization somewhere else.
That's a hoot about the computer chip. There are a lot of planets in a lot of galaxies. The question of whether or not Earth is the only inhabited one has to be at least considered.
I think what throws people off is the 'little green men' thing.
I don't know why people would be thrown off. They would obviously have to look different than us in order to adapt to the climate of the planet they're on, unless it looks like earth, which is doubtful considering what we know about the planets in our solar system.
I imagine for the same reason that anything unfamiliar does - it's unfamiliar. Our culture does not adapt to the 'different' or 'unusual' well. Throw in the stories of procedures and practises that are so 'out there', so foreign, and many people just dismiss it. Fear comes into play for some, as well, I think.
Bottom line, it's easier to joke about it then contemplate it. Whenever humans are faced with something big like that, there is the added stress of not being able to predict the implications because it's a new thing. It's like anything, religion for example, some will believe and some won't.
Bugger, me cover's been blown. I don't look all that different do I? I mean to say, look at 23KZ5 who arrived on the next transport after mine. He doesn't even have a birth certificate that stands up to close scrutiny and you're about to make him President.
TOF - Ah, yes, but he's more human than the ones that were in there before him. Newer model with updated features. I think he took a different course in Earthling studies.
Re your cover...we aren't scared of you, you're a little mouse. We've suspected all along, but if you get out of hand we know just what to do. Does the word, 'squish' make you sqweemish? Besides, you're too short to do anal probes.
Ay caramba! i really don't know what this expression means but it sounds apt for the title alone! Nice one! :D
Ay caramba, Chris! You don't really want to find out....it means just what it sounds like.
If you read one of the above comments, we had a real authority on aliens drop in. He says that aliens don't really do anal probes, so I guess we're all safe from them.
Sheesh! I read his comments and...well to each his own they say. whatever floats his boat or shall i say morthership?
LOL, that was funny! Well, ya know it'd be a dull world if we were all the same.
yeah good thing some of us are what Mr M above claimed they are! do you think he can somehow... hear us?! LOL
interesting hub
Cris - You need a Thought Screen Helmet! It'll take all the worry out of it for you. The instructions are on Mr. M's site. Let me know if you need some of that material that's sold here in Canada. :) Oh, and please upload a pic of you wearing it, okay?
Lgali - thanks!
Very funny. We probees should unionize. Insist on vaseline and better working conditions. Perhaps a vacation on another world every three years. etc.
Sure will! I'm sure it will go well with my nephews's laser sword! LOL
Thx, Barranca! I had to laugh about the union, that's hilarious. Sounds like you'd make a good union president - if we're taking votes, I vote for you.
LOL, oh what a visual, Cris! Can't wait to see it.
Thank you for bringing the close encounters to the forefront of the blogging world. Information like this is not often forthcoming on the North American continent and bacause of you I am now free to openly discuss this. Just this evening, as I was coming home from work on the long country road to my house I had an encounter. I was alone, of course, so I have no one to collaborate my story. The UFO was rapidly approaching at eye level. Two bright white lights moved towards me at a rapid rate. They got within a few feet of me and then just vanished. I looked in my rear view mirror and then noticed two red lights leaving as rapidly as the white lights had approached. The UFO looked alot like an '87 Volkswagon Jetta. They are shape shifters we all know but sneaky...or perhaps this could fall into the rarely discussed sixth stage of drunkeness. Just after the invisible state come the alien abduction stage. You know...."and that my dear is how I got probed last night"
Dr. Jim, have you been writing yourself prescriptions again?
Your last sentence...I assume that's what you told your wife to explain an embarrassing breach of marital etiquette?
Re the sneaky, shape-shifting buggers falling into the rarely discussed sixth stage of drunkeness, well don't worry, you're not alone. Others have suffered that same fate. That's why the poll above has the word 'tequila' in one of the voting options. I'm not sure if there's a support group, but there ought to be a telethon or something at least.
Please be careful from now on, unless of course you enjoyed it. I'm not sure how to advise you on protecting yourself. I think Richard Dreyfus made mashed potatoe mounds...he didn't get beamed up, either. Something to think about.
Thx for sharing your painful story.
Hey Shirley... me again... hehe
Was wondering when you're gonna take time out of your busy schedule to see the X-files movie?
I liked it! Finally got to see it last night... finally!
ProCW
I've added it to my list of 'must see' movies, CW. We used to watch X-Files every week when my son was younger, I loved it.
Hey, did you see the weekly show in which Stephen King wrote the screenplay? I hate to say it because I love Stephen King, but it stunk.
Thanks for mentioning this! If it got you excited, then I just know that I'll like it, too! :)
Discussing Aliens and possible abduction has always been one of my favorite subjects. I actually wrote about aliens and hardcore evidence a few minutes ago
I just read your hub, Mr. Williams. You wrote things that I've never read about aliens before. Thanks for dropping by and sharing it with me.
I've a resident alien card, issued by Area 51. One of these days I'll pull it out and post it for you.
Generique, I'd LOVE to see that! :) You should do a hub on it, you'd get lots of traffic, I think. It's a popular topic.
Thanks for coming by!
Nice. All this time I had been depending on my wife's ability to fire Stinger missles. Now I think we'll be much better prepared. The missus thanks you.
Haha, glad that I've been able to make your lives a little easier, Christopher. You'll probably start saving money, not having to buy missles, too. Although the helmet materials will be a bit of an investment...
Thanks for coming by. My regards to the missus. :)
The question that strikes me is whether you are an undercover alien trying to provide us with a false sense of security? Great Hub!
Great hub which is well shared .
Very informative, thanks.
Velostat is made in America. Linqstat, which is similar, is made in Canada.
Any large hat that will hold 8 sheets of the material will work. You don't need a leather hat for an effective thought screen.
Uninvited Writer Level 4 Commenter 3 years ago
Excellent hub. I'm glad to know that Mark is safe from alien abductions :)
This hub goes a long way in helping me to understand Stephen Harper...
Better get my tinfoil hat out...