How to Protect Your Family From Alien Abductions

According to various sites on the internet, the number of alien abductions has risen considerably in recent times. There are various theories as to the reason why.

• Other lifeforms are stepping up their quest for a new planet due to their need to relocate in order to survive
• They are colonizing and breeding with us to produce a hybrid race
• They are evil, nasty beings
• They are benevolent, spiritual beings doing these things for our own good

These are the short answers, obviously. I don't see any need to delve into each one, because neither the theory or reason matter. What's important is that you are able to protect yourself and your family in the event of an abduction attempt, or even more importantly - an anal probe.

In case you're unaware, there is a list of telltale signs that you may have already been abducted. There are at least 58 different symptoms. I have read through the list, and frankly, I'm worried. I have several of the symptoms associated with abduction, many of them most noteable after a night of drinking.

Do any of the following describe you?

• You have periods of time when you cannot remember where you were or what you did
• You have marks or scars that you aren't able to explain
• You wake up in a different place from where you fell asleep, and you don't know how you got there
• Your physician or you find a small, strange object inside your body that can't be explained
• You believe that you had sexual intercourse during the night or had semen extracted from you
• You have had strange occurrences in your life that you don't understand and can't explain
• You feel 'special' or 'chosen'
• You have very low self esteem
• You are paralyzed in bed with a being in your room
• You were pregnant, now you're not - but you did not give birth

This is only a partial list. If you'd like to read further, check out one of the online symptom references. It gives a pretty thorough rundown of things to watch for. Don't forget to keep the kids in mind while you're assessing whether or not aliens have invaded the personal space of your family. Nothing is sacred to these aliens, and they don't mind abducting little, cute children. If you don't believe me, watch Jessie's video.

We've talked about why you need protection and how to tell if you've already experienced an alien abduction. The whole purpose for this hub though, is supposed to be providing a resource that lets you know how to better protect you and your loved ones, so let's get to it.

Believe it or not, it is now possible to purchase Alien Abduction Insurance. It's true, honest! Here, you can read about it on Wikipedia.

Buying insurance is probably a good idea. You can even get it for alien impregnation, medical exams and death. The downside is burden of proof. How the heck can you prove that it was an alien that gave you that anal probe?

My son is also my insurance agent. I called to ask him about alien insurance, but he doesn't sell it and doesn't know of any companies in Canada that do. Guess that means that we Canucks have to buy stateside or in the U.K. Be that as it may, the inconvenience might well be worth it. The Heaven's Gate folks purchased Alien Abduction Insurance. Although it didn't protect them from mass suicide, they left something behind for their loved ones....assuming any insurance company would pay out.

Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands - Be Proactive!

It's reasonable to assume that many folks either can't afford extra insurance in this day and age, or are reluctant to purchase it out of fear of being ridiculed. Often, there is shame and secrecy after a person has toured the mother ship. So, what is a person and their family to do?

Well, there are a number of things for you to try. Some methods involve a little time and money investment, others do not. The following suggestions are just some that I found while researching online. If you know of some jim-dandy ideas that aren't mentioned here, please share.

Action Steps When Being Abducted

• Anger, rage and physical assault. If you do find yourself in the grasp or presence of aliens, it is recommended that you exhibit indignant outrage and demand (loudly) that they leave you alone. They feed on fear, see. Some people have physically attacked aliens, which seemed to work very well at getting them to leave for good.
• Mental struggle. If you find yourself paralyzed, use all of your mental might to break the paralysis. You need only will yourself to move your baby finger the tiniest bit for it to work. Your capturors will vanish!
• Relax. Some people have had luck with this one. Apparently, you're no fun at all to examine if you're not quaking with fear. You'll just get sent back home.

An Ounce of Prevention

• Move to France. One website that I came across made this suggestion. Someone on the site's research team couldn't find any record of alien abductions in France, so it seems like a safe bet.
• Pretend to be a tourist. From the same site as the one that suggests moving to France. They say that you should always carry a camera. Everyone knows that aliens hate having their picture taken. As I have no experience in any of this, I can't say whether or not it's the equivalent of poking them with a stick. This site also recommends waving a frozen chicken over your head.

Come on folks, just because you're fighting off alien abductions, it doesn't mean that you can't look your best. There are fashionable ways to protect yourself, so no excuses!

If you like to keep things natural, you may want to use a Native American method of warding off beings from another planet. Dress in deerskin, feathers, anything that makes you resemble an animal. The idea is that aliens will bypass you in their search for humans. The kids will love playing dressup, and you'll all be protected. It's fun for the whole family!

You say your situation is a little more dire than that? The aliens are talking to you and trying to take control of your mind? No worries! A seriously brilliant man by the name of Michael Menkin has developed the Thought Screen Helmet. It's a DIY project that involves about 4 hours of work, and a bit of money. The whole thing costs around $35 U.S.D. if you buy Velostat by the yard. Velostat, by the way, is purchased from Canada. Yeah, that's right, we know a good investment when we see one. If you'd like to see how stylin' this hat is, and get step-by-step instructions, visit the Stop Alien Abductions website.

I can hear all the men out there saying, "Yeah, yeah, all this is fine, but how 'bout that anal probe protection you promised in the title?" (edit: those words had to be removed from title)

There were rumblings of an anal probe cork, but it didn't fly. Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any mass marketed products for protection from the anal probe. If any of you guys out there have discovered a sure-fire DIY suggestion, then please have the decency to share it with your fellow man.

Anybody tried duct tape?

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A big thanks to ProCW for requesting this hub!

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Some more sites that offer more information on how to resist and/or stop alien abduction:

• Ann Druffel
• Subversive Element
• Men in Black (MIB's)
• UFO Evidence, Men in Black

Although I didn't touch on the Men in Black, it makes an interesting read so I've included a couple of extra links.

Remember folks, as Mulder used to say, They're Out There . Stay safe, and keep your feet on planet earth.

Godzilla: Monster, Hero, Entertainer

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